Bomb New Jersey
by A Wolf's Nightmare
Summary: Dr. Jack and Mr. Jones get into an argument about which is better: New York or New Jersey?
1. Big, Big, Braniac

The open road. A place where anyone can go to travel or just see the glorious sights.

"Get your foot out of my face!" A man said as he was driving.

And then there are these two. Dr. Jack and Mr. Jones.

"I want to know if it's infected." Mr. Jones said.

"Well, I don't! I'm driving."

"Geez, why are you so cranky?" He asked as he put his shoe on.

"Are you really asking me why? Didn't you see the mess those wolves did to my cabin."

"I thought it was ours?"

"I paid for most of it."

"No you didn't. I did with the money I got from the bakery."

"I still can't believe you worked at a bakery. What was it called? Carrot Top?"

"Yep. I would've still been there if I didn't drop those doughnuts."

"I still don't understand how a simple cockroach can cause that big of a chain reaction. But anyway, that's all behind you and that pesky wolf Aaron is our top priority." Dr. Jack said as he clenched on the wheel.

"Why do you want him?" Mr. Jones asked.

"I don't want him. I need his brain power so I can be an even bigger brainiac!"

"Well, I hope it's not like that time you tried to get Family Guy off the air."

"That wasn't me. That was a television show."

"So?" Mr. Jones asked calmly.

"So?! You should know what's real and what's fake!"

"Hey, don't yell at me!" Mr. Jones said as he hit Dr. Jack in the arm.

"Don't hit me, you ass!" He then smacked Mr. Jones in the face. Then they both started to fight in the car. They didn't notice that they were driving into a tree.

"Dr. Jack! Watch the road!" Mr. Jones said as he pointed to the tree.

"What?" He looked over and the car crashed into the tree. The two were injured, but it was minor. Mr. Jones and Dr. Jack's eyes opened.

"What happened to the…" Mr. Jones stopped in mid-sentence when the air-bags deployed. "There it is…"

"Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" Dr. Jack exclaimed as he got out the car. "This is your entire fault!" He shouted at Mr. Jones.

"My fault?!" He asked as he got out the car. "You were driving!"

"You know what?! You can go fudge yourself! I'm leaving!" He started to walk away.

"Hey, where are you going?" Mr. Jones asked.

"Away from you!" Dr. Jack yelled as he followed the road signs to the nearest diner.

"Hold up!" Mr. Jones said as he caught up with him.

"Stay away from me! You're paying for the damages on my car!" He yelled as he continued to walk.


	2. Bob's Burgers

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Mr. Jones said to Dr. Jack as he was walking with him.

"You can keep saying that. I'm not forgiving you." Dr. Jack replied.

"How long are you going to stay mad at me?"

"Until I get my wolf. Or at least until I see you in pain." Mr. Jack stopped for a moment.

"Hey, turn around." He said to Dr. Jack.

"What?" He asked rudely.

"Okay, watch this." Mr. Jones went over to a tree and rammed his head in it. He started to wince in pain. He then took a stick and started to hit his leg repeatedly.

"Mr. Jones…"

"No, no. You asked for this." Mr. Jones said as he took out a knife from his pocket.

"Oh my God! No! You can stop!" Dr. Jack shouted. Mr. Jones smiled.

"Are we made up?"

"Yeah. Follow me." Dr. Jack sighed. Mr. Jones limped besides him. They came across a diner that they have never heard before.

"What's this place?" Mr. Jones asked as he looked up at the sign. It said Bob's Burgers.

"A rest stop." Dr. Jack replied. "We'll just go inside to call a cab and maybe we can eat something."

"Oh, good. I'm starving."

"You must be after making me destroy my car." Dr. Jack retorted.

"Hey! I thought you forgave me?"

"I do. But you're still an idiot." They then walked inside. It was an old-fashioned diner with '90's chairs, booths, and counter. They met a middle-aged man with his wife.

"Hey, can we use your phone?" Dr. Jack asked.

"Sorry. Can't." The man replied. "Our phone is in the shop."

"Your phone… is in… the shop?" Dr. Jack asked.

"Yep." The man said as he looked at them strangely.

"How long before it's… out of the shop?"

"Couple of hours. Why don't you two eat in the meantime?"

"Sure. I'm hungry." Mr. Jones replied.

"Fine." Dr. Jack said as they sat down in a booth.

"This is fucking amazing." Dr. Jack said.

"Yeah. This place is pretty cool, isn't it?" Mr. Jones asked. Dr. Jack simply smacked him across the face.

"Where are we exactly?" He asked.

"I think I know this place." Mr. Jones said. He looked outside the window where he saw forests and a long highway. "Yeah! I do remember this place! This is New Jersey!"

"New… Jersey?" Dr. Jack asked.

"Yeah. Why?"

"I can't be here. New Jersey is… just… too weird."


	3. New Jersey is wierd

"You think… New Jersey is… weird?" Mr. Jones asked.

"Yeah. It's a dump. Well, until the snake eggs hatch."

"Wait, what?"

"What happened?" Dr. Jack asked.

"Nothing. How is this place weird? You know what place is weird; New York." Mr. Jones chuckled.

"New York is a fantastic place." Dr. Jack argued.

"Oh, here we go." Mr. Jones sighed. "New York is fantastic. It's where dreams come true and pigeon poop taste like tapioca!" He said sarcastically.

"How can you not like New York?! It's amazing!" Dr. Jack replied.

"Oh, please. This place has the shore."

"So, New York has Broadway. I win right there." Dr. Jack said.

"New Jersey has Atlantic City!"

"Sinatra!" Dr. Jack said.

"He's from Hoboken, New Jersey!"

"Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not _Secaucus, Secaucus!_"

"Hey, guys." They both turned around to see the man they met standing before them.

"Can you keep it down?"

"We're busy! Get out of me face!" Dr. Jack yelled.

"Okay, fine. Then here's your food." He then set down plates on their table.

"Enjoy." He then left.

"You see! Even the people here are stupid. A person from New York would've clocked me for yelling at them."

"So, people are nice here. Got a problem with that?" Mr. Jones said as he ate a piece of sausage.

"Yes, I have a problem with that! It's too annoying."

"It's annoying to be nice?"

"Yes. New York is a place where we have no time to be nice. That's what tourists, workers, and tour guides are for. They make us New Yorkers feel welcome and in return, we get to treat them like garbage."

"That's horrible." Mr. Jones said in disgust.

"Well, that's New York. Oh, and we have many celebrities."

"We have celebrities, too." Mr. Jones replied.

"Oh yeah. Do you have Lindsay Lohan, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, and Jason Segal? Huh, I guess not."

"We have Sinatra! And, um, damn it! Who else?"

"Ha! New Jersey sucks." Dr. Jack retorted.


	4. Snake infested dump

"New Jersey does not suck!" Mr. Jones said.

"Yes it does."

"No it doesn't!"

"Yes, it's an old, beat up, snake infested dump!" Dr. Jack yelled.

"Okay, are there or aren't there snakes?!"

"Who mentioned snakes?! And stop yelling, you're making a scene." Dr. Jack said.

"Since when do you care about not making a scene?"

"I don't, but making a scene with you…"

"Okay, first of all, that hurts." Mr. Jones frowned. "And second, let's get back to our topic."

"Oh, that New York is awesome?" Dr. Jack said.

"You don't even know your neighbors!" Mr. Jones replied.

"Hey, I know them."

"Really who?"

"Right across the hall, I got Clax… pop… Mon…"

"Claxpopmon? His name is Paxton."

"I love that dude." Dr. Jack said as he pointed at him.

"You don't know anyone!"

"Yes I do!"

"No, you guys don't even have…"

"If you say musicals, then I swear to God…" Dr. Jack threatened.

"No, not that! You guys don't have clean streets."

"And your snake infested streets are better?"

"Oh, come on! You just said snakes!"

"I don't know what you are talking about…." Dr. Jack said as he took a sip of his coffee.

"Okay, what is your problem?"

"My problem?" Dr. Jack asked annoyed.

"You think you are so mighty with your Big Apple."

"That's because I am!"

"No you ain't!" Mr. Jones shouted.

"Yes I is!"

"Y'all think that you are but ain't."

"Looks who's talkin'?!" Then they stopped for a second.

"Why do we sound like Southerners?" Mr. Jones asked.

"I don't know. It's weird."

"Well, anyway…."

"Don't even bother." Dr. Jack said.

"Huh?"

"It's pointless to argue over this."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm saying that we should put our brains to good use."

"Aren't we doing that already to stay alive?" Dr. Jack pinched his nose bridge.

"You stupid little cunt. That's not what I'm saying!"

"Then what are you saying? You have to be clearer."

"I'm saying we should think of a way to get rid of that vile wolf Aaron."

"Oh." Mr. Jones replied.

"We've got to stand up and shout!" As he said that, he got up from his chair.

"Yes."

"We have to fight back!"

"Yeah, that's right!"

"We have to stop that wolf and put him in his place!"

"Amen!"


	5. Bomb New Jersey

"Okay, here's your bill." The man said to the two.

"Wait, what?" Dr. Jack asked as he sat back down.

"Your bill. You did order a lot of stuff."

"Well, time to pay…" Mr. Jones started but was interrupted.

"Can't you see that I'm ranting?!" Dr. Jack shouted at the man.

"You have to pay."

"Fine. Do you take MasterCard or Punch Card?"

"What the heck is a p…" He was then punched square in the nose.

"Run!" Dr. Jack exclaimed as the two left the restaurant.

"Let's take our car!"

"You broke it, you doughnut!" Dr. Jack shouted.

"What?! That was you!" Mr. Jones shouted back.

"Then what the hell…" The two then heard a police car zooming next to them. The man who Dr. Jack punched went up next to them.

"You two are going to get it."

"Get what?" Dr. Jack asked. The police officer then came out of his car and walked up to them.

"Are these the two bozos that were making a ruckus?"

"Bozos?" Mr. Jones asked in a confused tone.

"You called the cops on us?!" Dr. Jack exclaimed at the man.

"You two were making a scene."

"You two are coming with me." He then grabbed Mr. Jones.

"Wait! I didn't do anything! It was his idea!"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Dr. Jack asked.

"Is this true sir?" The officer asked Mr. Jones.

"Yes! He dragged me into this!"

"The hell I did!" Dr. Jack shouted. But before he could say anything else, he was handcuffed.

"You're coming with me." The officer said.

"Mr. Jones! You piece of shit!"

"You did the right thing." The man who they meet said to Mr. Jones.

"Get off of me!" Dr. Jack shouted. He then broke free of the officer's grip and charged for Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones then hid behind the man they meet.

"Ahh! Officer! Stop that thing! He's carrying scissors and hand cream!"

"I'm going to kill you!" He tried to grab him but was stopped by the officer.

"Calm down sir! Or I'll…"

"Or what? Once I kill you, I'm going to bomb New Jersey! And then..." He then was tazzed and fell to the ground.

"I warned him."

"You did warn him." Mr. Jones said. "What are going to do to him?"

"Take him to prison."

"Oh, right. I forgot. New Jersey has the best prisons!"

"You bet your ass it does." The officer said with smile.

"I can take it your from New Jersey."

"Yep. But I think that New York is better for some reason."

"Get out." Mr. Jones said bluntly.

"Excuse me?"

"Just get out." He then took Dr. Jack into the car and drove off. Mr. Jones then turned the man who stood next to him.

"How much?" Mr. Jones asked as he took out his wallet.

"20.50" He then paid the man and went off to his own life.


End file.
